Nothing easy about leaving

Tonight I write for me. Normally I write to tell you what is happening in and around here. Not tonight, tonight I write to help myself process what is going on within because of all that is going on around me.

I lay here in our room, and I hear the dogs barking and the firecrackers blasting and I know that the streets are filled with Bolivians protesting against the current government. I was just outside, we walked to dinner as we have almost every night for the past 18 days since the strike began. It's a funny thing to know you are safe, but still feel the urge to run. To participate in and be affected by the indefinate shutdown of a city and county yet want it all to end. To say my mind and heart are not conflicted would be an out right lie.

Bolivia has been our home for 1 year and 5 months (feels so much longer) and it is home to my family, friends and colleagues. We have made the choice to be here, while many of them never got to choose, and if given the opportunity would likely choose to live in The States. I have lost track of how many times I have had people question my sanity for choosing to do life here. But here we are, and though there are still many things about life here that feel foreign it has also become home.

While my mom brain says get you and your kid out while you can and my stomach that flip flops each time a fire cracker is set off agrees there is a big part of me that disagrees. I feel guilty for leaving, especially when others can't. I feel like a chicken for feeling nervous about the days to come, when I want to believe it will all be okay.

I feel horrible for leaving my husband behind not knowing what the future holds. And while I am incredibly thankful for my school who is granting me permission to go, it is a challenge to leave while my students stay.

I know I need a break from the constant barrage of media telling the minute by minute details of every angle of the fight for and against the President. From images of blood and fighting. At the same time I am inspired by the photos and stories of God at work, and calls to action and the peaceful protesters that fill the city streets.

We leave in just two days and I am filled with thankfulness for the opportunity to escape what for me is increasingly overwhelming. And I am sad that we are going to leave in a moment of amazing transformation for this nation.

We have been in a weird way oddly blessed to have been able to play a small part in this revolution, and yet it is too early to tell the affects of the changes that are coming about. Like I said at the start, this post isn't really for you. I wrote to help me make sense of all of these feelings. Unfortunately, I am not sure that a sense of understanding is in the cards for me tonight. As I lay here proud of my husband for going out to help protect the police who, for taking sides with the people are now in danger of being carted of to prison or worse and filled with dread as the images of the clashes from across the country fill my mind.

The feelings that are rushing through my body these past 18 days. Pride, fear, hope, thankfulness, dread, joy, disgust, peace, and so many other emotions swirling around settling for a minute only to be replaced by the opposite. And let's be honest I have it really good. (hence my extreme guilt) I have not been in danger once nor are my loved ones out fighting against the opposition who come baring sticks wrapped in barbed wire, rocks, machetes and dinamo. We live in the city center, so have been able to get the things we need with ease most days. Unlike friends who live further out and can't easily get to markets or find places with food. I am not suffering, others truly are. Those who had it hard, living day to day are struggling in real ways that I thankfully have never known. It is heartwarming to see the people rise up and feed those in need every day at different points throughout the city.

Bolivia is a beautiful country filled with amazing people and we have been blessed to spend the last year and a half getting acquainted with this South American country. It is heartening to see them fight for freedom and democracy and heartbreaking to see those that have fallen and been injured in the process. I don't know what is next, and I am not 100% convinced that leaving is the right choice, I doubt I will ever know if I chose right. I look forward with expectation to returning to a peaceful Bolivia soon, and I continue to pray that God will continue to work out His good and perfect plan here and in my life and the life of my family and friends here.